Relationships are great. They serve a wonderful purpose in our lives. Relationships help us feel like we are connected. They help us feel we are loved and we belong. Our relationships help us to feel good about ourselves…
That is, until they don’t help us feel that way anymore.
When your relationships start to lose a sense of meaning and it feels like the love is lost, all of a sudden it can start to feel like life is losing its sense of meaning too.
Researcher Brene Brown has shared with us that as humans we are wired for connection and we all crave love and belonging.
I believe that’s why when you start to feel like your relationships are losing their sense of meaning, your life begins to lose a sense of meaning as well.
However, what most other therapists and researchers don’t tell you, is when you begin to lose that sense of love, meaning, belonging, and connection in your life and your relationships, it is usually because you are starting to lose a sense of love and connection with yourself.
Your relationships are mirrors for you. That means they show you the things you may or may not want to see about yourself. Your relationships are also where your greatest potential for healing lies, because they are mirrors showing you reflections of you.
Broken down simply, your relationships show you how you think, feel, or believe about yourself.
If deep down inside you believe you are unworthy of love and belonging, your relationships will help show you the belief that you feel you are unworthy of love and belonging. For most of our individual therapy clients in San Jose who seek us out for relationship therapy, there is some story she learned early on in life about her own inherent loveability or worthiness, and eventually, that belief begins to come out sideways in her relationships.
Sometimes those beliefs come out as her constantly finding emotionally unavailable partners. Other times those beliefs show up as her always breaking up with partners who might actually be a great potential partner for her, and then she so desperately wonders why there are no good men out there...
See how sneaky these beliefs can be? (For more on our self-sabotage and our limited beliefs, click here.)
When our clients start to heal the relationship they have with themselves, meaning, they move through the process necessary to heal the emotional hurts which have contributed to their beliefs that they are unloveable and unworthy, their relationships change. Their relationships actually start to mirror their new story about them: the story that they are loveable, valuable, and worthy.
The women who participate in relationship counseling with us tell us they feel greater support from their partners, or a greater ability to choose partners who are more emotionally available, and an overall sense of love being restored in their lives.
When we do couples counseling in our day long private couples retreats, we help each partner in the relationship identify what their own beliefs are about their loveability and worthiness. Then we help each partner recognize how their stuff directly mirrors their partner’s stuff, and how that keeps them in a downward spiral of feeling shitty.
Once our couples realize how they their stuff contributes to their partnership as a whole, their relationship starts to reflect a whole new belief system. The end result is, our couples walk away with a greater understanding of themselves, their partner, and the ways they can manage their own triggers and support their partner as well. As our couples do this, they feel a greater sense of love, belonging, and connection in their marriages and partnerships again.
If you are ready to work with a relationship therapist who can help you restore the love, connection, and intimacy in your life and relationships, we invite you to schedule your Get Acquainted Call today.