Earlier today while driving through town a really catchy song I had never heard before came on the radio. It was literally so catchy that I started rocking out and jamming in my car, through the streets of calm and quiet Willow Glen (haha, yes, I did just say I was rocking out in quaint and quiet Willow Glen…in the middle of the day).
The woman was singing, “One: Don’t pick up the phone, you know he’s only calling ‘cause drunk and alone; Two: don’t let him in, you know you’ll have to kick him out again; Three: Don’t be his friend, you know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning; And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him. I got new rules.”
I LOVED it! I knew I had to look it up to see who it was.
As soon as I got to my office and finished up a teleconference I got straight onto Google and looked up who it was.
Artist: Dua Lipa. Title: New Rules.
I had never heard of her before. So, I dug into Google just a little bit further. Dua Lipa, English singer-song writer, born in London in 1995 to Albanian immigrant parents. Former model, who took her modeling career to fuel her music career, especially after they told her to she needed to lose weight if she was ever going to be accepted into the industry, and how that impacted her self-esteem as an impressionable young girl.
Wow. At the age of 22, she had a great story already. I read a few more articles, watched a couple more interviews, and felt myself really moved by what she had been sharing.
So, without further delay, here is more of the song and my perspective on it as a therapist and healer:
The song starts out with, “Talkin' in my sleep at night, makin' myself crazy
(Out of my mind, out of my mind)
Wrote it down and read it out, hopin' it would save me
(Too many times, too many times)
My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else
But my love, he doesn't love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself…”
That feeling of going “out of your mind” and “making yourself crazy,” classic symptoms of a relationship which was doomed from the start. Realizing you love someone who “makes me feel like nobody else” and “he doesn’t love me,” yup, more signs you’re destined for heartbreak. If this feels familiar, you may have been in a relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable.
Need more evidence that he’s unavailable? Check out Dua’s top three rules:
“One: Don’t pick up the phone, you know he’s only calling ‘cause drunk and alone;
Two: don’t let him in, you know you’ll have to kick him out again;
Three: Don’t be his friend, you know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning;”
And the best addition of all:
“if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him.”
If these rules sound like ones you may have had to implement at some point in your dating life, then yup, you might definitely have a history of dating unavailable men.
I’ve been there. I get it. I used to date them too. I used to have to put all these rules in place at one time too.
I know how hard it can feel to resist the urge to call him sometimes, and, when loneliness strikes, what is a girl to do? And not let him in? Gosh, the loneliness and the desire to want to change the outcome of the relationship ending can feel so strong that letting him in feels like the best thing to do, even when it’s clearly going to be a rerun of the previous time.
Oh, and that whole, “Let’s just be friends” thing? Nonsense. Complete and total nonsense (Definition of nonsense: non-sense, noun. 1. spoken or written words that have no meaning or make no sense; 2. foolish or unacceptable behavior). In my books, you cannot be friends with your ex. Why, because you usually end up “under him” and, as Dua says, “If you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him.”
Still sounding familiar?
Kind of? Oh, and how about this next part? It might sound even more like your story:
“I keep pushin’ forward, but he keeps pullin’ me backwards (too many times, too many times).”
Classic. This is the classic push-pull dynamic of women who date and fall madly in love with unavailable men, and the men who run. When they run, making you feel even worse about yourself and driving you even deeper into your hole of misery.
The cool part is Dua goes on to add:
“Now I'm standin' back from it, I finally see the pattern…”
It’s hard to see the pattern when you are in it. You need time, space, and distance from it in order to get perspective on a situation. Usually by the time people come to us for support with their relationship patterns here at the Center, they at least have an awareness of the pattern itself: a long history of dating emotionally unavailable people and then feeling bad about themselves when it ends.
Another important part of the song:
“Practice makes perfect
I'm still tryna learn it by heart (I got new rules, I count 'em)
Eat, sleep, and breathe it
Rehearse and repeat it…”
Unlearning old behaviors takes time and practice. It takes practicing the new behaviors of not answering the phone (or replying to the text), not letting him in (into your house, heart, and vagina), and not being his friend, to strengthen the new way of doing things. And, sometimes when our willpower alone doesn’t work, that’s where the support of a knowledgeable professional who gets it helps.
Finally, the best part:
“my love, he doesn’t love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself,
I do, I do, I do.”
It always comes down to you loving you.
Much love to you Dua Lipa on this fabulous song with the #NewRules of getting over emotionally unavailable men!
Oh, and here's the song so you can rock out to it too. ;)
Need some help getting over your pattern of dating unavailable people? Schedule your free initial consultation now.